The Secret Diary Of A Five Month Old


6:00am –
Good morning! Hiya mummy! ..Woah, mummy looks like shit. I can’t remember waking up that many times during the night. 5 isn’t that bad, she’s exaggerating.. again! 

7:00am –
Now mummy is awake, I guess now would be the perfect time for a nappedy nap! Ah man, now the fun one has gone to work. Forget the nap, WHERE IS DADDY

8:00am –
After treating mummy to an hour long snotty grizzle, it’s time to take big bro to school! Actually, now it’s time to leave.. A little bit of bitty wouldn’t go amiss. *screams*

8:30am – 
Uh oh, mummy’s in a rage. We’re late? Ah, false alarm. She said “this is just bloody perfect” ..I guess we’re on time then! Woohoo lets go! 

9:30am –
We’re home! Mummy is making herself a coffee.. without realising she will be drinking it cold. She keeps calling me ‘stinky stinks’ ..uh yeah, if you hadn’t noticed – my bum is currently a stinky stinks. Change me. When you do, I’ll make sure I have a pee over your rug again, it’s always funny to watch you vigorously scrub the carpet. Shame I didn’t get praise for the biggest wee I’ve done today. Rude. 

12:00pm – 
LUNCH TIME! Bitty nom nom nom. Wait, mummy is making herself lunch? How dare she! As soon as she bites into that sandwich I will be screaming blue murder. Oh, she’s eating a mini roll again, I’ll pretend I want bitty, she’ll pick me up and I’ll have every chance to grab it and shove it straight in my mouth.

2:00pm – 
Time for a nap! Why does mummy keep whispering “go the duck to sleep?” adults are so weird. Wait, I’m not tired. I’ll just stand on mummy’s lap bouncing until I get tired, in this time she isn’t able to do a single thing. Why should she be doing anything other than giving me her undying attention all day? 

3:30pm – 
Big bro is home! He is so hilarious. I know what he’ll like – if I sucked his favourite Spider-man action figure, that always seems to engage a conversation. Mummy’s trying to do the washing up, ooh.. Water does sound fun! Can I join in? *screams*

5:30pm – 
Time for dinner! For some reason, whenever mummy sits down to eat – I get the sudden urge to eat too. I guess it’s cold dinner again for mummy. IT’S BITTY TIME! Oh great, she’s pulled out the small one again! Damn woman! It’s ok, I’ll just keep fussing until she pulls out the big left one.

6:10pm – 
WHERE IS DADDY?! I’ve been crying for him for over half an hour, I know he’ll be so excited to see me. Right, I have 20 minutes left to drive mummy to insanity.

6:30pm – 
Daddy’s home! Time to be on my best behaviour, not cry, not whinge. I think it’s hilarious when daddy questions mummy when she says I’ve been a ‘brittle ship’ all day. Either way, daddy doesn’t believe it. Go Dad! 

9:00pm – 
Well, I’ve now spent the last 2 and a half hours having bitty every 10 minutes, laughing with Dad and secretly whinging with mummy when daddy isn’t around. I guess it’s time for bed! What a great day, same again tomorrow Mummy? I might even give you enough time to get ready so you can get out of the house. Kidding!


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  1. September 8, 2016 / 12:13 pm

    Lol she keeps me on my toes that's for sure! xx

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