Before I write this post, I’d just like to say this will be completely tongue-in-cheek. Rob does a hell of a lot for myself and the children. This is based on the stereotypical Dad.
Dad: What a great sleep! It’s only 7:30am, back to bed for me!
Mum: 7:30, mission breakfast is on. Currently arguing with child over what they got for breakfast. Brushing teeth, combing hair, washing face, getting dressed, all whilst holding baby. Mission leave house at 8:15 complete.
Needing the toilet
Dad: Thinks about whether or not he is desperate enough, but walks upstairs gracefully whilst wondering how long his crap will take, but it doesn’t matter, he has all the time in the world.
Mum: Really needs to go, but is currently tending to a child throwing a s*** storm tantrum because mummy gave him the wrong cup. Imagine the scene – sitting on the toilet trying to take a crap whilst breastfeeding a baby and hearing ‘mummy’ being shouted 20 times from downstairs.
Having a shower
Dad: Goes upstairs, takes a shower.
Mum: Is 3 days without a shower really that excessive? We will discuss to ourselves whether we should make the most of the time whilst the children are sleeping/occupied to sit down with a cup of tea in quiet, or spend 20 minutes to have a shower, for you to look like s*** anyway.
Dad: Enjoys every mouthful of his hot dinner, whilst daydreaming about his dessert.
Mum: Forgotten about whether or not the dinner was actually meant to be hot. Breastfeeding baby whilst cutting up meat is a very hard task. F*** it, eat it cold.
Dad: Chores? What’s that?
Mum: Looks after children, all day. Does laundry, washing up, tidying, hoovers, wipes away the left over p*** from the toilet seat, plumps pillows, puts toys away whilst muttering “for f*** sake” x20.
Dad: Leaves the house. Whenever.
Mum: Right, I need to pack essentials. Nappies, check. Wipes, check. Sun cream, check. All whilst nurturing a screaming baby. Open front door, child forgot to put shoes on. Baby has soiled itself. Hour behind to when we needed to leave.
Dad: What time shall I go to bed tonight? The real question is, do I need to go to bed tonight?
Mum: Washing up done, tidying done, kids both bathed and ready for bed. Puts child to bed after explaining for half an hour that ghosts and witches do not exist, constant crying due to not wanting to go to sleep. 8:00pm, baby is not yet asleep. Standing, rocking, feeding for half an hour. Dad, still watching film. 9:00pm, baby is now asleep. Time for bed!
Dad: 3am, guess I’d better go to bed now. What a long day.