Before I had my children, I had a dream of becoming air cabin crew for British Airways, I dreamt of travelling the world and earning money to spend on flash cars and designer clothes. I had already completed a GCSE in Travel and Tourism at school, it was the only subject which interested me and the only subject I enjoyed learning about.
Falling pregnant at such a young age did catapult me backwards and I had to re-think what I wanted to achieve in life; working as air cabin crew, being away from home for long periods of time was no longer an option. I went back to sixth form when Alfie was just three months old, to become a travel agent was my next goal. I was doing the higher Travel and Tourism course and I was aiming to ace the whole thing. But life happened, Alfie was becoming distressed at the nursery and I had to give it up.
To this day, I can only imagine where our lives would be if I had pursued my dreams; how much better off we’d be financially and the holidays we’d have abroad every year.
Now, my life consists of taking care of a home, tidying away toys every day, wiping bums, doing the school run and resisting the urge to not rip my hair out when the baby has been crying for 3 hours straight (although hormones seems to be doing that for me).
Is this it?
I am forever grateful for my children, they’re what makes my world go round; the apples of my eye. But there does come points when I do question, is there anything else other than this? at the age of 23 – I have two children, two step-children, I’m engaged and see a family member of mine once every 4-5 months. Most days, the only opportunity I get to leave the house is for the school run. I have to plan on when I’m able to take a shower, I live on quick, easy meals, I can’t remember the last time I was able to style and straighten my hair and I can never take a crap in peace.
I had a thought the other day – by the time all of the children have grown up, moved out of home and have their own families, I will be near enough fifty years old! And until that time I will be me, the mum. I won’t be able to travel the world, have expensive things or have romantic weekends away with Rob. My mum once told me “your life doesn’t end when you have children” and she’s right, to some extent, but it does limit you on what you’re wanting to achieve in life.
I have to try and remember that their early days are so short, and I’ll be the one to admit that I do lose sight of that; the tantrums, the night feeds, the TV programmes they love having on repeat to the point you can almost feel your eyes bleeding, the tedious hours spent at the park pretending you’re enjoying watching them go down the slide over and over, when really, you’re wanting to go home and sit down with a cup of tea. All of these things, soon come to an end.
The moral of the story is, THIS IS IT (thanks MJ). I am a big believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’, there is a reason why I became a mum, there is a reason I wasn’t able to finish my Travel and Tourism and there is a reason why I met Rob the way I did. My life was planned this way, and I try to focus on that. When the day comes when my children have moved out of home, I will be devastated, it’s all I’ve ever known – and that’s probably why I wonder if this is all that life has to offer me.
Eventually, I will be able to go on nice holidays, drive a (hopefully) flash car and live in a tidy, clean house. But for the time being, I need to make the most of it, because before I know it, as well as anyone else with kids – it won’t last forever.