When I was younger, I imagined myself being this mum who baked cookies and cleaned the house every day whilst watching my children play happily in the garden whilst bringing me daisy chains. PARENTHOOD IS NOT THIS. I also imaged things which I wouldn’t do as a parent, these are the following:
- Cereal for dinner
And don’t say you haven’t done this. After a long day, I’ve slaved around the house whilst hearing Holly’s one-toned whinge for hours, wiping p*** stains from the toilet seat and attending Alfie’s swimming lesson which resembles an hour in a sauna. We get home, the LAST thing I want to be doing is cooking. What’s for tea you ask? Cereal! It’s easy (I say, whilst justifying the healthy side of cereal for dinner)
- Referring to your partner as ‘Daddy’ and ‘Mummy’
Me and Rob do this on a regular basis, or in our words it is ‘dad dads’ and ‘mum mums’ and it’s so so cringe. But it’s our thing and we’re having to correct ourselves when out in public. Sometimes when Holly is in bed, we still refer to each other as these cringe worthy nicknames and neither of us bat an eyelid.
- Being a human snot rag
I always imagined myself being this mother who handed her children beautifully knitted handkerchiefs to wipe their mouths and noses. Nope. I am a human snot rag, instead, I will exclaim “what the hell is on your face?” and grab the bottom of my t-shirt to wipe their face, if of course I’m not carrying any tissues – who remembers to pack those anyway?!
- Talking about poo, ALL the time
Whether it’s your kids wanting to talk about poo whilst we’re half way through eating our dinner, or talking to your friend regarding the ‘poo explosion’ your child did last Thursday, we all end up doing it.
- Playing ‘pass the baby’ ..at any chance you get
I never knew I’d be one of those mums who silently cheer in delight as soon as their fiance walks through the front door. I will laugh nervously as I pass Holly over and quickly run to the bathroom and lock it (true story). Even if I bump into friends, I will pass Holly over as if she is some kind of prize!
- Letting yourself go
I always wanted to be this super stylish mum who curled her hair daily and took time picking out lovely outfits which shout ‘effort!’ all over it. Effort? wtf is that? My appearance no longer matters in my life as a parent, my hair looks like a mangy cat that has fallen off a 12 story building and my daily maths include how many days I haven’t showered for, including brushing my teeth.
- Use bribery
We’ve all had those days where your child is being a complete asshole and all you want is for them to cooperate and listen. Mission: Haribo bribery complete!
- Losing your s*** regularly
I’m not a great fan of yelling & shouting at kids, after all, they aren’t going to do what you want of them all the time. I never thought I would be the one to be shouting at Alfie in the middle of Asda whilst he’s kicking off because I wasn’t going to buy him a £40 toy. But yep, I did and I do shout now and again. Who doesn’t?
- Being a domestic goddess
Ah, don’t we all wish to be like this? I have to grit my teeth when I get a visit from certain people who are ballsy enough to ask me what have you been doing all day? and why is the washing up not done? please p*** off and appreciate that sometimes, I do the washing up one handed whilst breastfeeding a baby. You’re lucky I even got out of bed today.
Is there anything you said you wouldn’t do as a parent, but do?