I passed my driving test almost 2 whole years ago. I passed both my theory and practical test first time and I was so proud of myself – throughout my life I’ve never been a ‘first timer’ for anything so it was quite possibly my biggest achievement to date.
My first car was a little silver Citroen Saxo which my mum bought me for a surprise when I finished work (best mum ever!). Of course, as I had been driving a brand spanking new Citroen DS3 for over the course of a year – going from that to a 2002 Citroen Saxo was a massive change and it took some getting used to.
I remember driving it for the first time and I was absolutely petrified, I assumed it was normal for new drivers, especially getting into a car where you are the only person who has control of it. Weeks past, and I avoiding my car any chance that I could. I would walk to work, ask my mum to drive me and Alfie to his swimming lessons and I still hopped onto the bus with Alfie each morning on the way to school.
I’m convinced that I created a fear from nothing. What was there to be scared about? I passed my driving test because I’m a good, safe driver – so why all of a sudden did I go from a confident, proud driver… To someone who couldn’t even drive her child to school and back which took less than 4 minutes? I really couldn’t tell you.
I’ve always lacked in self-confidence and held a lot of self-doubt, I doubt myself all the time and did throughout my whole duration of school. I’m not clever. I won’t succeed. I’m not good at anything. Throw some anxiety into that sh*t mix and I can kinda now see why I am like I am.
One year on when I had my run down, old, scratched-to-sh*t Citroen Saxo, I upgraded to my favourite ever car, a black Citroen C3 – the car I ALWAYS wanted. Much bigger than my previous car, it is safer, more reliable and I thought that a newer car would help solve my fear of driving a car which would potentially break down or the chance of the exhaust falling off. Ever been driving a car with the exhaust scraping along the road? Yeah, pretty embarrassing.
With the constant fear of driving comes the sheer guilt of not allowing my children the right to have fantastic days out, explore new places or go on road trips to visit our family. I find myself scrolling through Instagram and muttering ” oh how f**king lovely. ” to the mummy’s who are able to drive 30 miles to visit a water park and take gorgeous pictures of their children having the perfect day.
So, what are the steps I’m going to take to actually overcome this awful fear? First of all, I’ve decided to book myself in for a free consultation appointment for hypnotherapy. I might as well give it a go! I’ve heard pretty good things about hypnotherapy and my only hope is that it could help me overcome my fear.
Secondly, I need to think long and hard as to why I’ve let this fear evolve into something enormous that has literally taken over my life. It’s affecting not only me but my children and our social lives. Finding the source of the problem is probably the most important. And believe me when I say this – I have thought of every possible reason as to why it’s become this big of an issue. It’s driving a car, which I was given a legal driving licence for… Because I’m a safe driver?!
I’m frustrated with myself that I have let this fear become worse and worse over the course of some time, without ‘getting on with it’ and driving long distances to build up my confidence, but I am well past that stage now.
I hope I can find a solution and finally be the confident and safe driver that I once was. I’ll look forward to building up my confidence again so myself, Alfie and Holly can go on lovely days out during the summer – instead of being stuck indoors feeling like a crap mum.
If you’ve ever felt this way – please let me know? Just so I don’t feel like I’m going a little crazy.